Dum Spiro, Spero

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Cerric's steps faltered as he drew nearer the field. Overhead the sky was awash in colors as the sun began its journey downward, and he knew that if he wanted talk to Aeryn he had best hurry. He didn't want to discuss this without the light. She no longer disappeared as soon as the sun went down as she had in the past, but nights were hard on her still. He remembered the first time he had gone searching for her, determined to find out where she went, what she did when she left them. He had found her eventually, on one of the far hills outside the village. She lay in the cool grass, motionless, staring up at the stars. The moonlight had shown him her face, a mask of longing and grief, and his heart had ached knowing he could not help her. He had left quietly, sorry to have intruded, sorry to have seen. It was her own private grief, not meant for anyone else. After that he had made sure no one went after her when she went missing. She deserved to have that time to herself.

He had lost count of the cycles since she'd come, forty perhaps. They flew by so quickly these days. He thought back to that time when she was still new to the favored planet, how she had railed at the fates for bringing her here, swearing to die before she was reduced to a simple farmer like the rest of them. It had been many cycles before she would consent to learn their ways. He'd learned the meaning of patience in trying to teach her simple but vital tasks of life here. Planting, tending the gardens, harvest. All things she disdained.

But with her, patience was a virtue, for now she could hold her own with the best of them. Given time she had learned to use their tools, to appreciate the gift of the soil, and even take pleasure in the hard work of the harvest.

And now more patience was required if he hoped to gain his hearts desire. And he could be patient. After all, it was his future, his life that hung in the balance. He came to stop at the edge of the field, the rows of plants stretching endlessly before him.

Cerric stood there for a moment and watched as Aeryn went about the business of picking the Manet fruit from the prickly vines and threw them in the basket to her left. Her movements were controlled and precise, and he watched the play of muscles across her back with a longing he could barely control. He had wished countless times that he knew the feel of that skin, those muscles against his own. It had been so long since Laran had died, so long since he had known the feel of a woman. But it was not just a woman he wanted. It was her. There was cycles worth of frustration in his sigh.

“Aeryn.” He wondered at his own voice. Surely that weak sound was not coming from him? Embarrassed, he was glad she had not heard it. She hated weakness. He licked his lips and tried again.

“Aeryn!”

He watched as she stopped in mid throw and glanced over at him. He was surprised he had caught her off guard, she made such a point of being alert and ready, though what she would have to be ready for, he didn't know. Of course that was another of those things she had had trouble adjusting to here, the fact that there was nothing to fight. No enemies to prepare against. It had taken her almost five cycles to stop making what she called rounds. It was cycles after that, that the endless scouting trips had gradually dwindled until she began to stay closer and closer to home.

She had told him something of her life before she came, and he knew it was hard for her here. She had learned to love the soil, but she hated the sameness that every day brought. Even he sometimes wondered at the never ending routine that made up their days. He knew no other way of life, but he had heard the stories of worlds beyond counting, of lives being led he could not dream of. Whether they were just stories he could not say, but she believed it, and that was what mattered. And while he knew she regretted the day her pod had landed here, he could not.

She had kept him sane after Laran died, giving him someone to talk to, someone who let him unleash his anger and then made him laugh at some silly quip. And now he couldn't remember a happier time than these past cycles, getting to know her, sitting and talking with her at night, before they went their separate ways. Not that he had wished to part with her, but he had known she was not ready to take the next step. Laying awake at nights, he had often wondered if she ever would be. Well, the next few microts would give him the answer. It was time.

“Cerric.” She acknowledged him with a nod and one of her rare smiles that made his heart jump in his chest.

“Did you want something?”

He could tell she was puzzled at his behavior, waiting for him to speak. He knew he should be saying something, but the enormity of what he had to tell her, the question he had to ask, kept him silent. He could feel his hands clenching and unclenching.

She stood up and moved closer to him, close enough for him to smell the musky scent of her labors and see the sheen on her forehead. She was hot and dirty and she looked beautiful beyond words.

“Cerric?”

He saw concern in her eyes and knew he had to speak.

“Aeryn. I need to speak with you.” He gazed up over her head at the sky, trying to calm himself.

“Well, I'm right here.”

“There was a meeting of the elders this morning. I came to tell you, my father has announced he is retiring as Council leader.”

He was surprised when she laughed, a husky sound that was not heard often enough.

“Well, it's about time. I told you five cycles ago it was time he stepped down so that you could take his place. Congratulations Cerric.” He felt the softness of her lips as she lifted up to kiss his cheek.

<If only it were that simple, Aeryn>

He watched her smile start to fade when he didn't move. She had to know all of it, but frell, he wished he had more time. She was not ready.

“What's the matter? What aren't you telling me?”

“I'm to be brought before the elders and take the oath at the end of the monen, Aeryn. To assume the responsibility of leadership it is required that…” He stopped, his voice catching in his throat. He had known it would be hard, but this fear was foreign to him.

“That what?”

“That I take a wife.”

His heart lurched at his own words. Things would be different after today, one way or the other. He knew it and he could see that she knew it too. She knew what was coming, and once the words were spoken they could not be taken back, even if he wanted to, and goddess help him, he didn't want to.

She had gone still and her next words seemed to come carefully. “Surely there is a way out of this?”

“No. It has always been so.”

He took a deep breath and reached for her hand trying not to notice her slight flinch. “I'm asking you to be my wife. Enter the ceremony with me.”

“Cerric, you don't know what you're saying. Listen to me. You do not want me. You deserve better.” She smiled at him, trying to take the sting from the words. “There are plenty of women here who would fill the role much better than I. Women who could love you the way you should be loved.” He could see her trying hard not to hurt him. The fact that she was trying must mean something.

“Other women!” The disdain in his voice was clear. “I don't want 'other' women, Aeryn. I want you. Surely you must know how I feel. How I have felt for a long time. We have been good friends since you came. True?”

Her head nodded, reluctantly, but her hand was still in his.

“Friendship is a good start, Aeryn. I know that we come from two different worlds. That you wait for the day you can return. But we don't know how long that will take, or if it's even possible. How long can you wait Aeryn? Cycles? A whole lifetime? Do you want to be alone?” He had practiced these words so many times in his head, but he had never had to watch the different emotions play across her face while he said them. He saw pain there, followed by sadness, then suddenly a loneliness that hurt his heart to see.

He pulled her closer and leaned in. “You don't have to be alone, Aeryn. We are friends, we get along well, and there has never been a harsh word between us. Would it be so hard to be with me?”

His face was so close to hers, yet it was impossible to read what was going on inside her. She stood there in front of him, ramrod straight, and then seemed to come to a decision. When she spoke her voice was low and soft.

“Cerric. I have told you of Moya.”

“What you call the living ship. Yes, you told me.” He wasn't sure he believed in such a thing, in spite of the stories his grandfather used to tell, but he let her have the dream.

“The man I told you about.....”

“John.”

“Yes, John.” Her hand went up to fondle the locket that was always there around her neck.

His insides curled tight at the name that was rarely spoken. He knew what was coming and would have given everything he owned not to hear it. Yet, he heard himself ask the question that would break his own heart.

“You still love him?”

“Yes.”

It was said matter of factly, but he saw her face soften, remembering her unseen lover, and the longing in her voice was nearly his undoing. If he had had any pride left he would have stopped then. Turned back to his own people and tried to forget his dream of her. But where Aeryn was concerned, pride seemed a cold and useless thing. He could not let go of the dream, no matter that her heart was lost. Time would heal her, he was sure. If she would just give him the time.

“I am not ignorant of where your heart lies, Aeryn. I can only guess what this man meant to you. If there were a way for you to go to him now, I would be the first to help you, you know that. But, Aeryn, to waste your life waiting for a chance that might never come….” He stopped to let the urgency in his voice fade. He tried again. “If it's true, what you think, that your friends…that he, is out there, caught in some force, then what happens when you find him Aeryn?” He didn't have to say more. He could see in her eyes that she knew. If she ever found him, it would be too late.

“I'll warn him! I'll find a way back and I'll make sure he leaves. He must not…”

She stopped suddenly, but the sudden flare in her eyes and the fierceness of her voice startled him. He had never heard that fierceness before. Oh, she had done her share of yelling when she first arrived, cursing them for their lack of technology, had shot at the poor trees in sheer frustration, but since he had known her, he had never heard the emotion she voiced in that one sentence . He was beginning to see what had been missing from her. Missing and he hadn't known. But his need for her forced him on.

“And you can do that. No one here would stop you. But, there is no need for this solitary existence you have been living, Aeryn. You deserve a life, while you wait. I know you do not feel as I do, but given time that could change.” At the slight shake of her head he felt desperation rise. “And if it doesn't…well, I have enough love in my heart for both of us. Aeryn. Please. You...” He stopped and decided that the truth was the only answer. “‘I’ don't want to be alone.”

He saw her eyes start to shine as the tears welled up and her shoulders suddenly slumped in surrender.

“Alone.” She repeated the word he had used. “No, it's not good to be alone.”

The sun was just under the horizon now, having set unnoticed by either of them. She turned and walked away from him and his eyes followed her helplessly. He watched as she looked up at the darkening sky, the first stars just starting to appear. And when at last she spoke, her voice seemed to come from far away.

“Yes, Cerric. I will marry you.” She turned back to him and in the rising moonlight he could see the tears streaking down her face.

“But I will never stop trying to save him.”

He had started forward, intending to comfort her, but stopped at her words. His brief moment of joy was crushed under the burden she carried and had now passed on to him. They stood there, looking at each other in the dim light, each trying to see into the future. She broke the spell first and walked over to gather the fruit she had picked, and he was left to wonder if what he had said was true. Would his love be enough?

<It's not too late Cerric, you can still stop this.>

But it was too late. He knew that, and he bowed his head for a moment and in that instant silently accepted whatever might come from this union. Whatever she could give, it would be enough. And one day, Goddess willing, perhaps he would hear that fierceness in her voice for him. After all, time was on his side. He could wait.


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imloco2

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Author's Afterword, Dum Spiro, Spero

Return to Aeryn Years Index