FARSCAPE

" Scratch 'N Sniff "

Written by,
Lily Taylor



This transcript provided by: FarscapeAlly!
Suggestions for corrections/revisions/expansions are, as always, gratefully accepted.
Hey, thanks again to M for picking up on a glitch! LOL, and thanks for the kind words as well.


Starring:
Ben Browder
Claudia Black
Anthony Simcoe
Gigi Edgley
Paul Goddard
Lani Tupu
Wayne Pygram
Commander John Crichton
Officer Aeryn Sun
Ka D'Argo
Chiana
Stark
Crais
Scorpius
Guest Starring:
Tammy MacIntosh
Francesca Bueller
Tamblyn Lord
Laura Keneally
Anthony Martin
Richard Carter
Milan Keyser
Jay Paul
Julia Trappe
Rachel Sheriff
Jool
Raxil
Fe'Tor
Theiadh
Mitols
Voice of 'Kabaah'
Sarl
Heska Tinako
Blue Girl [Girl 2]
Green Girl [Girl 1]





Guest Stars Reappearing:

Tammy McIntosh: Just figured I should add Tammy in here, after all, she hasn't been added to the opening credits yet, and likely won't be until at least ep 20, SO. Tammy returns as the "walking-talking-fingernails-on-blackboard" Interon, Joolushko Tunai Fenta Hoovalis, aka "Jool". Jool's apparently a 'cousin' species to your basic earthling... and apparently she won't STOP shedding til she has no hair left. Jool popped out of cryo early Season 3, and promptly became a quasi-member of Moya's crew in the Season 3 episodes: "Self Inflicted Wounds, Parts 1 & 2", "Wait For The Wheel", "Different Destinations", "Eat Me", "Thanks for Sharing", "Losing Time", and "Incubator". Jool ROCKS!

Francesca Buller: For her third appearance as a guestie on Farscape ( 1 per season, as with so many things in Farscape ), Franny returns as yet another bizarre alien female, this one with a suspicious cockney accent! Mrs. B previously appeared as the ingratiating calcivore, M'Lee in the great Season 1 Ep, "Bone To Be Wild", and the avaracious, and ill-fated ro-NA, from Season 2's "Princess Trilogy". Although she only made it through Part 2 of that heartstopping trio of episodes. Welcome back, Franny!




Writer: Lily Taylor

Who also wrote:

(2:17) "A Clockwork Nebari". Lily also does Farscape 'duty' as the series Story Editor, if memory serves for all of Season 3 so far, and all of Season 2, and, uh... I believe she picked the duty up sometime during the course of Season 1 ( how's that for vague? Another fantastic ep, Lily. )




Director: The Un-freakin-believable Tony Tilse!

Who also directed:

Isn't it easier just to say what he HASN'T directed? But ... what the hey!: (1:07) "PK Tech Girl", (1:11) "Till The Blood Runs Clear", (1:15) "Durka Returns", (1:18) "A Bugs Life", (1:22) "Family Ties", (2:03) "Vitas Mortis", (2:07) "The Way We Weren't", (2:10*) "Look At The Princess, Part 1: A Kiss Is But A Kiss", (2:21*) "Look At The Princess, Part 2: I Do, I Think", (2:11*) "Look At The Princess, Part 3: The Maltese Crichton", (2:13) "Beware Of Dog", (2:16) "The Ugly Truth", (2:20) "Liars, Guns & Money, Part 3: Plan B", (3:03) "Self-Inflicted Wounds, Part 1: Could'a, Would'a, Should'a", (3:04) "Self-Inflicted Wounds, Part 2: Wait For The Wheel", (3:08) "Green Eyed Monster".




PRODUCTION CREDITS:
Created by: Rockne S. O'Bannon
Directed by: Tony Tilse
Written by: Lily Taylor
Consulting Producer: Sue Milliken
Co-Producer: Andrew Prowse
Line Producer: Lesley Parker
Co-Executive Producer: Justin Monjo
Executive Producer: Richard Manning
Produced by: Anthony Winley
Executive Producer: David Kemper
Executive Producers: Juliet Blake
Robert Halmi, Jr.
Brian Henson
Executive Consultant: Rockne S. O'Bannon
Executive Consultant: Carleton Eastlake
Director of Photography: Russell Bacon
Production Designer: Tim Ferrier
Music by: Guy Gross
Editor: Wayne Le Clos
Costume Designer: Terry Ryan
Second Unit DOP: Danny Batterham
Makeup/Hair Supervisor: Jen Lamphee
Story Editor: Lily Taylor
Script Editor: Matt Ford
Production Executive: Robert E. Wozniak
Voice of Pilot: Lani Tupu
Puppeteers: Sean Masterson
Tim Mieville
Mat McCoy
Mario Halouvvas
Fiona Gentle
David Collins
Creature Shop Creative Supervisor: Dave Elsey
Supervising Art Director: Scott Bird
Set Decorator: Tony Xeros
VFX Supervisor: Marusha Kushniruk Xeros
Visual Effects: By Animal Logic



TRANSCRIPT BEGINS






PREVIOUSLY ON FARSCAPE



Teaser opens with standard voiceover by Claudia Black: "Previously on Farscape."

Catching up on what happened previously on board Moya with clips from "Incubator":
D'Argo: "Chiana and Jool... really need to get off this ship."
John: "You know, if I was Moya, I wouldn't want us here."
Jool: "The others are still arguing, that's what we do best around here."
Prowler exits Moya's hangar doors and explodes a short distance away.
D'Argo slams his cup against the table, a Luxan toast.
John: "Did you ever think we've been on this boat way too long?"
D'Argo: "So far, all the other alternatives have been worse."
John: "Here's to that changing."
John duplicates D'Argo's toast, and finishes his drink.

Teaser closes with standard voiceover by Claudia Black: "And now... on Farscape."






COLD OPEN





Planetside, INT. Bar

Fade in following "Previously on Farscape" clips, to find ourselves already planetside, in another bar [ Lotta bars in the UT ], camera is close on bar. Many patrons are included in the shot on the far end of the bar and an interesting looking alien pair cross into shot from left to right. A single bartender goes about his business behind the bar as the camera pans down its length.

A recurring set dress motif, "spheres, tubes, circles." The bar is lined with all tube shaped glasses, alternating red and orange, shorter 'shot glasses', alternating clear and blue, stand in front of the taller glasses. Funky, excellent funk funky, music in the background.

At the end of the bar we see John and D'Argo sitting at a small circular table just past the end of the bar.



JOHN:
( incredulously ) How can you say that?


John takes a 'shot', and sets the glass down, continuing what must be an ongoing bitching bout with D'Argo.


D'ARGO:
Because it's true. You're exactly like a Sebacean.


Feeling the burn of the alcohol more than the insult, John grimaces and bends forward, taking a sip from a glass on the table from one of the two straws sticking out of it. He doesn't bother to pick up the glass.


JOHN:
In what way am I like a Sebacean?

D'ARGO:
In that you think that you are superior. And that you treat the rest of us like animals.


John gripes, not lifting his bowed head from the straw, but the straw slips off his lip anyway.


JOHN:
When have I ever treated you like that?

D'ARGO:
Only every time that we have to make a decision and you think that the best idea is your idea.


CUT TO - medium shot of three alien females sitting at another table discussing something intently, the shot fast forwards a bit with the beat of the music.



CUT TO - Long shot on John and D'Argo from behind, shot still fast fowarding as the alien females 'check out' the merchandise from across the room. John's still bent over his glass, D'Argo, soundlessly griping at him.



CUT TO - Close on the alien chicks, one a small pale pinkish tone with 'conchshell' ears [ another aquatic theme? ], not a stitch of hair but a pert little nose. The small female is flanked by two more 'human' looking alien females, however their colorful facial makeup, braided and feather bedecked hair presents a marked difference. They're both gorgeous.



CUT TO - Long shot on John & D'Argo at their table, Chi joins them. Bouncing happily on her toes she stands between them, only 'slightly' mocking.


CHIANA:
Oh, yeah! They are going to write songs about the way you guys tore this place up.

D'ARGO:
Right. Go away.


D'Argo shoves her away slightly, but she's unphased by his cool reception, and bounces right back.


CHIANA:
I am away. I'm- on- vacation.


John gripes at her around the straw tucked 'tween his lips.


JOHN:
Pip, beat it.


Chi circles the table. Close on Chi. Nice hair, they've cut it shorter still.


CHIANA:
Has it occured to you why Pilot banished you from Moya?


JUMP SHOT - Close on Pilot, soundlessly dressing down... as the camera pulls back... our 'boys', D'Argo and John, who stand in front of the console like it's the Principals desk.



D'Argo studiously ignores Chi, taking a drink from his 'huge' cup, while John gives her a cool glare.


CHIANA:
Because you're both acting like a couple of immature Dredgenaughts.


JUMP SHOT - John and D'Argo turn away from the 'dressing down', dismissed by Pilot, they can't stop sniping at each other as they walk away.

JOHN: I can' believe you pissed him off.

D'ARGO: I didn't piss him off. You pissed him off.

JOHN: You did.



CHIANA:
Grow up! Or ignore each other, or kill each other, but just stop fighting all the time.


Chi sips her drink and an obviously drunk Jool arrives at the table.


JOOL:
( slurring ) I'm out of currency.


Complete with a 'cash register 'bing!' sfx', John slides a rough hewn flat golden square toward Jool, and then another.


JOHN:
Here.

CHIANA:
Playland for the rich too classy for ya?

JOOL:
( drunkenly ) Effervescent spirits cost more than cheap Raslak. But you, you just keep on hunting for that long range cargo hauler of your dreams.


Quietly drunkenly, Jool slings an arm over John's shoulders, still talking 'to' Chiana.


JOOL:
'Cause she's bound to show up in you lap one day.


Jool staggers away, Chiana eyeing her speculatively.


CHIANA:
When she passes out, I'll, I'll take her back to Moya. In the meantime...


Chiana sways her hips seductively with the music.


CHIANA:
I'm gonna have some fun.


INSERT SHOT - Chiana dances with anonymous male, big smile on her face.


CHIANA:
I suggest you guys do the same.


Chiana leaves the guys to their bickering. John glares at D'Argo from the corner of his eye, not abandoning the straw in his lips.


JOHN:
See what you did?

D'ARGO:
You did it.

JOHN:
You did.

D'ARGO:
You.

JOHN:
You.

D'ARGO:
You.

JOHN:
Did.

D'ARGO:
You.

JOHN:
You-- Yeah, right. You did it.


CUT TO - close on the white gloved hands of the smaller alien female surreptuously gliding dark green gems toward the feathered alien females. The one on the left gets 'two', the other looks like she only gets one. [ Hey! ]



SERIES SHOT - The feathered alien females each take the green gems from the table and drop them into the bodice of their low cut dresses.



FREEZE SHOT - Close-up on the conch-shell headed alien female.


JOHN:
[O.V.] This alien is Raxil. There's one like her on every planet.


The feathered chicks sashay over to John and D'Argo and give them the big 'come-on'. [ These 'chicks' are referred to as Blue Girl and Green girl, although I don't 'immediately' see how that distinction is being made. ]



FREEZE SHOT - Close on the dreadlocked, feather bedecked, alien chicks. [ They are GORGEOUS, the near 'chick', looks really familiar. ]


JOHN:
[O.V.] And these girls? ( small laugh ) We never did get their names.


The subject chicks eye John and D'Argo speculatively. D'Argo gives us his grinning 'gosh' look, almost poking John with an elbow. John peers at them, his lips still clasped around one of the few straws in his glass.


GIRL 1:
Ahh... are you boys... a couple?

JOHN:
( laughs )

D'ARGO:
( laughs )

JOHN:
No.

D'ARGO:
No.

JOHN:
No.


SERIES SHOT - Single repeat; John's amused, "No."


D'ARGO:
No.

GIRL 2:
Can you handle some girls looking to party?


SERIES SHOT - Girl 2's 'invitation, double repeat; "Party?"; "Party?" Music continues as obvious background accompanyment, trumpet featured heavily. Lovely sound.


D'ARGO:
I am a full-blooded Luxan. And ladies, I have so much cash in my pocket that I can assure you that the three of us--

JOHN:
( grinning and holding up four fingers )

D'ARGO:
--will be out of here on our hands and knees come sunrise tomorrow morning.


CUT TO - long shot which fast fowards unevenly as the boys, each doing their own unique form of 'dancing', head to the dance floor with the feathered chicks. They pass Jool sitting at the end of the bar, lips buried in a cup, the music adapts to include that unique 'bubbling' noise we heard Jool make when she drank piss in ...DD [ Bravo! ].


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] I've been arrested for saying exactly the same thing on four different planets.


CUT TO - Close on smaller alien female watching John & D'Argo on the dance floor with the girls. Looks like John got the one who only got one gem. Yep. hehe. D'Argo's girl plays with his tentacles as John's girl starts undressing him right there on the dance floor, pulling his jacket off his shoulders.



INSERT SHOT - Close up on a golden 'breath spray' tube. The white gloved hand holding it depresses the pump tip, spraying a fine mist.



CUT TO - D'Argo doing that chicken bobbin' head dancing obliviously.



CUT TO - John noticing Raxil watching from the sidelines, he looks as though she may look familiar to him.



INSERT SHOT - Raxil doing a heavily exaggerated and very letcherous sounding "Whoa!"



CUT TO - John, definately giving her the "I swear I know that alien from somewhere" look. John disregards his gut and continues, ah... 'dancing'. [ he's so cute! ]



CUT TO - long shot of two males at the bar, one smaller/younger, the other older/bigger, they also have their eyes on the dance floor.



CUT TO - close on Chi, dancing with anonymous male.



CUT TO - close on younger/smaller male-- alien [ those white irises are a dead giveaway ], definitely appreciatively eyeing Chiana.



INSERT SHOT - Close-up on a white gloved hand holding up a glowing green sphere.



FREEZE SHOT - on close of younger/smaller male at the bar [FETOR].


JOHN:
[O.V.] Fe'Tor. Bad guy. Dressed in black.


CUT TO - close shot of Jool, draining her cup, two alien males stand close by, watching her and grinning.



INSERT SHOT - A black gloved hand dials up intensity on a flat, circular control knob. Red indicators and three small red bulbs measure the increasing intensity by lighting up in series.



CUT TO - medium shot of Jool, draining the last drops from her glass, a couple of appreciative alien males stand close, watching. A third male joins them.



CUT TO - close on Chiana dancing with an anonymous male.



CUT TO - long shot of the two black clad alien males at the bar. The smaller one still watching the dance floor, the other not so much.



FREEZE SHOT - on the alien male with Fe'Tor.


JOHN:
[O.V.] Another bad guy. The guy with Fe'Tor.


CUT TO - close on John dancing.



CUT TO - close on Raxil watching.



CUT TO - D'Argo dancing. He tosses his tentacles behind his back with a sigh of pleasure. [ Is this the same as girls 'tossing' their hair? ]



CUT TO - medium shot of Jool inspecting the bottom of her empty glass, she upends it and watches as a mere dribble rolls out and falls to the floor.



CUT TO - close up on John dancing, head rotating to the beat as shot fades to motif over other patrons. He 'may' be a little drunk.



INSERT SHOT - sound of a blow landing. John, having taken one to the eye, staggers backward, right hand over right eye.



SERIES SHOT - sound of a blow landing. John, having taken one to the eye, staggers backward, right hand over right eye and out of frame, accompanied by a loud crashing sound.



JUMP SHOT - A red feather drifts through the air, settling just by John's hand as shot pans quickly by more red feathers, some blue feathers and some rumpled black clothing.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] ( urgently ) Crichton... Crichton, wake up!


Shot continues panning 'up' and right to close on John's face. A long blue feather protruding from his lips, his green shirt draped over his eyes. Stirring slightly at the sound of D'Argo's voice, his breath 'puffs', unconciously trying to 'blow' the feather away. Oddly his face is at the 'top' of the shot, facing 'down'.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] ( shouting ) Wake up!


John's hand fumbles at the shirt, pulling it off his eyes. His hand flaps at his lips as he tries to 'blow' the feather out of his mouth.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] Crichton!

JOHN:
( groaning ) What happened?


CUT TO - long shot on Crichton and D'Argo, lying asprawl, half-in and half-out of a tube shaped enclosure. Crichton is bare chested, lying on his back, arms outflung. D'Argo, fully clothed, crouches over him, hands and legs on either side of John's bare torso. Initially they both seem to 'cling' to the top of the tube shaped enclosure. The shot pans in a semi-circle from 'top' to 'bottom', rotating John & D'Argo, who now lie asprawl on the 'bottom' of the tube shaped enclosure. A clear circular partition with 'air holes' cut into it closes off the end of the tube shaped enclosure, just beyond Crichton's head.


D'ARGO:
What didn't happen?


Eyes open and partially awake, John notes D'Argo's position; immediately fearing the worst.


JOHN:
Oh, God, there were girls, right?


John swipes blearily at the feather between his lips, finally blowing it away.


JOHN:
Feathered chicks-- The, the... Rainbow Coalition.


D'Argo nods in agreement, a reddish pink feather protruding from his headress just above his left eye.


D'ARGO:
Girls. Breasts. Blue breasts, green breasts, I don't know. All I know is... they spiked our drinks and took our money.

JOHN:
( slurred ) They rolled us?

D'ARGO:
Yeah, they rolled us. You know, these...

JOHN:
( mumbling drunkenly ) My pulse pistol.

D'ARGO:
...shots that we took?


D'Argo reaches over John's head, grabbing a empty plastic container while John fumbles with his empty holster.


D'ARGO:
They spiked em.

JOHN:
My pulse pistol! They-they took my damn pulse pistol!


D'Argo discards the empty container angrily. John continues looking around frantically, the small red feather tucked in his hair bobbing about festively.


D'ARGO:
No one stole your pulse pistol. We're on LoMo; no weapons allowed. Your pulse pistol's on the transport pod.

JOHN:
I don't remember that.


Groaning, John crawls out from under D'Argo, who slumps down on one elbow inside the tube shaped enclosure. John stands up in the larger room [ the tube shaped enclosure is sort of like a 'bay window' ] from which the tube shaped enclosure protrudes, pulling on his shirt.


JOHN:
Where are my boots?


The slight sound of voices while John pulls his shirt on, while deftly managing not to pull the feather out of his hair. John notices something just outside the window. Camera close on John as he climbs over D'Argo and back into the window. Wobbling a bit, he stands staring out the window.



CUT TO - 'lobby' area outside the window. Several aliens stand about gawking in the window, muttering pleasantly, obviously enjoying the 'show'. The small alien female, Raxil, is among the gawkers. She is most vocally appreciative, and I'm sorry, kinda creepy.


RAXIL:
( grinning ) Whoa, ho, ho!


CUT TO - close on John, unhappily watching the crowd on the other side of the window.


JOHN:
D'Argo...


CUT TO - long shot of John and D'Argo in the window. D'Argo lies peering out from between John's legs. John stands, legs spread wide, feet firmly planted against the sloping sides of the circular enclosure... clad only in thigh high black stockings, black boxer briefs and green shirt, his fists planted firmly on hips.


JOHN:
...we're in a window. There are people watching.

D'ARGO:
Uh-huh. I think they've been there for about seven arns, so... why don't you just get dressed and give 'em a good show sweetheart.

JOHN:
I am dressed.


John glances down, noticing for the first time that that snug feeling on his legs is 'not' his trousers. He SHRIEKS!

Accompanied by hot trumpet-- he flees-- 'scrambling' out of the window, jumping over D'Argo's legs to duck out of sight
[ nice full retreat shot. Thanks, Ben. ]. A moment later he peeks around the edge of the window, as if to assure himself that 'that' really happened, and then disappears from sight again.



END COLD OPEN










ROLL OPENING CREDITS



"My name is John Crichton... I'm lost... an astronaut... shot through a wormhole.... In some distant part of the universe.... I'm trying to stay alive... Aboard this ship-- this living ship... of escaped prisoners-- my friends. If you can hear me... beware... if I make it back... will they follow? If I open the door... are you ready? Earth is unprepared, helpless... for the nightmares I've seen. Or should I stay, protect my home, not show them you exist. But then you'll never know the wonders I've seen."








ACT I





EXT. Space -- CGI. Moya hangs in low orbit, her profile overlying the lower semi-circle of reddish planet surface, a quarter moon peeks out below the edge of the planet, deep space beyond.


PILOT:
[O.V.] ( irritably ) I said ten solar days away from Moya...


CUT TO - INT. Pilot's Den.

John 'lounges' on his side across Pilot's console to Pilot's immediate right.


PILOT:
...and I meant ten!

JOHN:
Pilot, gimme a break. I'm tryin' to tell you what happened.

PILOT:
I understand, Crichton. However, my inclination is not to accept any explanation.

JOHN:
Well, I can't go back down there. I'm persona non grata on LoMo. LoMo non grata. Can't do it, not goin', uh-uh.

PILOT:
You return... beat-up, inebriated and broke, after only two!

JOHN:
Yeah.


A subdued growl from Pilot.


JOHN:
But, that's what I'm tryin' to explain to you. You said that if I could explain it, then I-I could stay onboard, right?

PILOT:
( heavy sigh ) Proceed.


JUMP CUT - to a gorgeous beach set, four large circular tents sprawl down the beach, nearest orange tent, blue tent, pink tent, and lime green tent in the distance. The tents are framed by approximately seven tall cloth wrapped poles, many many people are spread out on the beach on either side of the tents, other people mill about, entering and exiting the nearest tent, a beautiful shade of orange. Over the soothing noise of shallow waves running up the beach and receding rhythmically we have some very nice "shoo-bop" music.



CUT TO - close on a lovely lime green haired girl taking a drink from a tray as a waiter passes her. The waiter ducks slightly to enter the orange tent where D'Argo and John sit; what else, bickering. They both lounge on very familiar looking air chairs, also lime green in color.


JOHN:
How the hell did we end up in that window?

D'ARGO:
I don't know.


CUT TO - close on John, sprawled in his chair.


JOHN:
You don't think we, ah...


John raises his head to look at D'Argo and makes a finger pointing gesture in his general direction [ I have no clue what that's supposed to mean. ].


D'ARGO:
I said, I don't know!


Wincing heavily John sits upright.


JOHN:
Hey, don't-don't yell. It hurts.


He rests his forehead in one hand, suffering a mother of a hangover.


JOHN:
Have we heard from Jool or Pip yet?

D'ARGO:
They haven't been answering their comms.

JOHN:
Right.


John makes a 'shooing' motion with both hands.


JOHN:
Go find 'em Lassie. It was your idea to come down here in the first place.

D'ARGO:
You go frelling find them. Aren't you worried about them?

JOHN:
Aw, hell, no. They're probably sleepin' off the fun they had last night.


D'Argo notices Raxil lurking just outside the tent, looking casual, but obviously trying to listen in on their conversation.


D'ARGO:
Shut up.


D'Argo taps John's knee, trying to squelch his ranting and get his attention at the same time, their dialogue overlapping.


JOHN:
( simultaneous with D'Argo ) Hey, don't tell me to shut up! You know, you're the one who told em to have fun. Whadda you think fun is for Chiana? What?!

D'ARGO:
( simultaneous with John ) Ah-ah-ah-ah, shut-up, shut-up.


D'Argo looks toward Raxil, John follows his gaze.


D'ARGO:
John...isn't that the pile of dren we saw outside the window?


INSERT SHOT - Raxil standing outside the window and "Whoo"ing soundlessly. *shiver*.


JOHN:
Yeah. Smile.


John pastes a very pretty fake smile on. Raxil notices them noticing and pastes a fake smile of her own on.


JOHN:
It was also in the bar last night, wasn't it?


John tips his head and smiles wider, wriggling his fingers in a friendly wave. D'Argo apes the finger wriggling motion... badly [ hehe ]. Raxil grins and wriggles her fingers back at the boys, heading toward the tent. John encourages her with a 'come on over' wave. D'Argo stands as Raxil enters the tent, John stands, pulling D'Argo's chair closer to his own, and sits again. Raxil looks up at D'Argo [ seriously, he's a good 8 inches taller than she is ], speaking in an outrageous cockney accent, think 'Liza Doolittle'! [ LOL! ]


RAXIL:
I'm so glad you're not angry. Ya know, I thought you were gonna....


D'Argo grabs her and thrusts her, face first, into his vacated chair, John helps hold her down.


RAXIL:
Oh, what are you gonna do? I'm gonna scream!


She begins to shriek, a high-pitched wail to rival Jool. John winces in pain.


JOHN:
Don't scream!

D'ARGO:
Did you steal our currency?

RAXIL:
What are you talking about? I didn't steal anything. I came over here to talk to you, you know? But you looked so angry before when you were in the window...


INSERT SHOT - Inside the 'bay window', John shrieks!


JOHN:
Not talkin' about the window!

RAXIL:
All right. Let me give ya something here. I saw it all. They're in trouble.

D'ARGO:
Yeah, they're gonna be in a lot more trouble when I find 'em. The green and the blue chick--


INSERT SHOT - The alien 'chicks' check out the merchandise.


RAXIL:
Not the blue and green chick. No, no, no. I'm talking about your females. I'm talking about the pretty gray one and the really annoying gold one.


INSERT SHOT - On the dance floor, Chi and Jool are havin' some fun, whatever Chi told Jool causes her to collapse on the dance floor, giggling. Interestingly, just behind them there is a guy; nice tall guy, dancing. He's wearing nothing but a black vinyl chef's apron and black vinyl bikers cap... God, I love this show!


D'ARGO:
What about them?

RAXIL:
They're in trouble. I can show ya. I can show ya what happened last night. Let me go.


John and D'Argo release their hold on Raxil, standing to discuss the 'plan'.



ANGLE UP - on John and D'Argo, shooting mainly 'through' the transparent green chair. Raxil struggles around in the chair, trying to get up.


JOHN:
D'Argo, look. Chiana knows how to look after herself.


CUT TO - close on three shot; John, Raxil & D'Argo. D'Argo shoves Raxil back down into the chair.


JOHN:
We gotta find our money...


INSERT SHOT - Close up on a pair of male hands sliding the pile of Brandar tiles and green gems across the bar.


JOHN:
...and I'm pretty sure... that this grommet is involved.


Raxil stands again, camera angle is down, accentuating how 'short' Raxil is compared to D'Argo and John [ dunno of that's necessary, I'm estimating Mrs. B is about 5' 4". ]


RAXIL:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got something for ya. I've got us a recording of all that happened last night.


INSERT SHOT - Fast forwarding John and D'Argo's drunken exit with the two alien chicks.
John and D'Argo dance with the alien chicks.

RAXIL:
I mean, ya don't believe it, you can see it for yourselves, ya know?


John shoves Raxil roughly back down into the chair, but she stands up again immediately.


JOHN:
It's talking crap. We got rolled, and I don't think we need a--

RAXIL:
You're broke-- You can't get robbed again. I mean, what do you think? You think I want your shoes?


INSERT SHOT - Close-up on a pair of occupied boots, the occupant landing flat on their back on the dance floor, boots pop up and thud heels first to the floor, a few dark green gems bounce around them.


JOHN:
I don't know what you want.


Raxil scrutinizes John.


RAXIL:
You're not very smart, are you? Now he... ( looks 'up' at D'Argo ) ...he's got brains ( looks back, 'up' at John ). Now you, you're a bit of an idiot, huh?


SERIES SHOT - Raxil doing her dumb hick imitation, twice more. "Huh?" ; "Huh?"


JOHN:
Yeah?

RAXIL:
Yeah.

JOHN:
But, I'm bigger.


John shoves her down in the chair again.


RAXIL:
Oh! Ow-ow-ow. All right. Sorry-sorry-sorry. Alright. Alright. Ha-have you spoken to your females yet? I'll bet you haven't spoken to them yet. Have ya?

D'ARGO:
No, we haven't spoken to them, because they might be sleeping, they could be--


INSERT SHOT - Chiana and Jool, face to face, seductive dancing.



JOOL: "Oh, yeah, princess."



RAXIL:
How do I know you haven't spoken to them yet, huh? You don't know that, do ya? No. Well, my point is--

D'ARGO:
( shouting ) Will you just tell us!

RAXIL:
Tah-dah!


CUT TO - close on back of Raxil's hand, showing something to John and D'Argo. "Shoo-bop" music starts again. They both look at the item, D'Argo surprized, John puzzled.


D'ARGO:
That's Jool's comm.

JOHN:
How do you know?


CUT TO - Close on the comm unit tucked in Raxil's palm.


D'ARGO:
It's melted around the edges from when she screams.


INSERT SHOT - Seated in a deep bubble bath, Jool shrieks abruptly, forehead crinkling.


RAXIL:
Now. Do you want to see what happened last night or not? 'Cause I could just, you know, not.


D'Argo and John exchange a look, then each grab one of Raxil's arms, pulling her out of the chair, and leading her out of the tent.


RAXIL:
All right, all right. You don't have to push me.


JUMP CUT - to building interior. John and D'Argo follow Raxil into a room soaking in 70's erp style modern architecture of pinks, reds, purples, and blues [ oh my god. ] A few tube shaped 'bay windows' line the far walls.


RAXIL:
( rattling on ) The point is, you see, we can be friends, you can trust me, you see, everybody trusts me, 'cause I'm a female of my word.

JOHN:
( smelling something foul ) Oh, what is that?!

D'ARGO:
It smells like...

RAXIL:
Shh, shh, shh! Close... but no. It-It's miramar root, you know?


INSERT SHOT - Large container full of thread covered multi-colored spheres.


RAXIL:
Kabaah uses it in all his pleasure elixars. Very low quality. But we don't tell him that. Mr. Kabaah? Mr. Kabaah? ( shouting ) Wake up!

JOHN:
Don't... yell.


CUT TO - long shot. John, D'Argo and Raxil lurk near a purple wavey structure sticking up out of the floor, a wall partition, sort of. In near right of shot is a very wierd critter indeed; green, with several tentacles drooping off the back of his 'head'.


RAXIL:
Well, I have to, he's as deaf as a feather. ( shouting ) Wake up!


CUT TO - close on Kabaah. Crouched on a circular orange pedestal, thorax resting on a red pillow with blue trim. Kabaah is a six legged critter, the back four bent grasshopper like on the pedestal, the front two bracing his body upright. Looks like he's a Spiderman fan also, cause he's got Spidey's six-legged emblem on his chest. His head and neck form a very large 'T' shape, with his eyes mounted at the ends of the upper part of the 'T'. His 'face' [ the cross-bar part of the 'T' ], is perched on a thin neck protruding from a black 'turtle neck' [ shirt or body structure? It's anyone's guess ]. Looks like he has two mouths, one at the top of his neck, the other at the top of his 'head', just above the lower mouth. Maybe it's his nose. Who knows?


KABAAH:
Go away. I don't need your trouble.

RAXIL:
Trouble? Me? No, no, no. You must have me confused with someone else.

KABAAH:
I'm not confused. I've seen you snooping around, seeing you when you didn't want me to.


D'Argo takes a step into the room, eyes fixed on Kabaah. He grabs Raxil by the arm and pulls her back to the purple partition.


RAXIL:
Oooo!

D'ARGO:
( aside to Raxil ) Is that...a Han-jee?


CUT TO - Close on Pilot, his neck extending in disbelief.


PILOT:
A Han-jee? I don't believe you.


CUT TO - The trio at Kabaah's.


JOHN:
What's a Han-jee?

RAXIL:
Creature with removable eyes. Optic nerves that continue to record and send back images, even after they're seperated from the body. Leave 'em in somebody's bed chamber... ( letcherous laughter )

JOHN:
You brought us to see a pornographer?!

KABAAH:
I'm deaf, not dead. Stop talking like I'm not here. What do you want?

RAXIL:
I know you've always got an eye hanging out at the LoMo bar.


INSERT SHOT - A crowd of bar patrons applaud appreciatively.


KABAAH:
So?

D'ARGO:
We're looking for a Nebari and an Interon.


INSERT SHOT - Chiana and Jool dancing to that funky music at the bar.


KABAAH:
You want... the show.


INSERT SHOT - A crowd of bar patrons applaud appreciatively. Camera starts to zoom in, through the crowd.


RAXIL:
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

KABAAH:
Who's paying? You don't think you'll get the show for... free, do you?

D'ARGO:
We have no currency. You know that.

RAXIL:
Come on, you gotta have something.

JOHN:
All right then, we are being scammed. Ren and Stimpy here are teamin' up to rip us off. Let's get outta here.

KABAAH:
This phanix? I would never team up with her.

RAXIL:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just to prove to you-- I'll pay. There.


In payment, Raxil places a brandar tile on the pedestal next to Kabaah.



INSERT SHOT - John dispensing a 'similar coin' to Jool, complete with "bing" sfx.


JOHN:
Where did you get that currency?

RAXIL:
Why? What's the matter?

JOHN:
All of our brandar tiles were stolen last night.

RAXIL:
So? Did you have your name on 'em? No-No! They aren't yours, they're mine, they're mine. You two have really got to work on your attitude, you know that? Kabaah, give 'em a tentacle.

KABAAH:
( bending forward ) Put one of these on your eye.

JOHN:
You gotta be kidding me.

KABAAH:
These will link back to the optic memory of last night, and act as a three-dimensional image of everything that happened in the bar.

D'ARGO:
You want us... to put one of your tentacles... in our eye?

RAXIL:
Don't be such a grimmit ( grabbing a tentacle ), just do it!


John and D'Argo both gingerly bring a tentacle to their eye. Kabaah moans with apparent pleasure.



INSERT SHOT - John and D'Argo staggering out of the bar ( fast forward shot ) with the alien chicks. D'Argo laughs raucously, and as he staggers out of frame we see John, D'Argo and Raxil standing in the bar.


JOHN:
This is, uh... this is. D'Argo, you-you see'n this? This is... uh...

D'ARGO:
Well, it's, uh... it's incredible.


They watch 'themselves' leave with the feathered alien chicks.



CUT TO - close on John and D'Argo, each with a tentacle pressed to their eye.


RAXIL:
[O.V.] Kabaah, show us the females.


CUT TO - the 3D replay of the night before. Sitting at a table, looking bored, Jool stands and crosses the dance floor to 'talk' to Chi.


CHIANA:
Oh, hello.


They dance a bit while some patrons look on with great interest. John, Raxil standing next to him, appears a bit bored by it all.


CHIANA:
I can be bad. You're jealous.

JOOL:
All right.


It's a dance challenge, as they circle each other, undulating to the music. John, flanked by Raxil and D'Argo, comments on the hazards with deep sarcasm.


JOHN:
Yeah, this looks really dangerous.


CUT TO - Kabaah's show, John stands there, a tentacle pressed to his eye, looking fairly put upon.


JOHN:
Those girls are in fear for their lives.

D'ARGO:
[O.V.] Yeah, all right.


CUT TO - 3D replay of last evenings events. The trio stand watching Jool and Chi dance.


D'ARGO:
Have you got anything else?


CUT TO - Kabaah's.



Raxil briefly pulls away from her 'tentacle', hissing at Kaabah.


RAXIL:
Kabaah, get your eye outta the gutter. Show them later... later!


CUT TO - 3D replay of the night before, shot fast forwards, closeup on John, then 'passing' him. The replay then resumes at normal speed. Patrons applaud as the camera moves through the crowd approaching John, D'Argo and Raxil from behind. The trio 'turn' to observe the goings on, and find themselves standing in an open aisle formed by the crowd. Jool stands at one end of the aisle, the trio about midway. Jool undulates to the music, toying with the veils of her 'skirt', then turns and does an impressive 'tumbling run' down the open aisle, flipping 'through' John, D'Argo and Raxil. They turn again to watch as Jool comes to a stop in front of Chiana... who isn't impressed.


CHIANA:
That it?

JOOL:
( satisfied smile ) Yeah.


Chi looks over Jool's shoulder, pointing to 'someone'.


CHIANA:
You.

GORGEOUS GUY:
You want me?


Chi gives him the 'come hither' finger, and he smiles and walks toward her. Chi crosses the cleared dance floor holding a burning sphere by short chains in each hand and stops in front of the smiling gorgeous guy.


CHIANA:
Watch.


Chi begins spinning the burning spheres by their chains, her body and the spheres moving with the beat of the music. An impromptu Luau of the UT; it is a dizzying performance... literally, as the speed of the sphere's increase to inhuman proportions. Slowing the spheres and slowly standing erect, Chi watches as the gorgeous guy keels over in a dead faint. The crowd applauds wildly. From his stool at the bar, Fe'Tor applauds appreciatively.



CUT TO - Kabaah's. Close on John, holding a tentacle on his eye.


JOHN:
( blandly ) Ooh!


CUT TO - 3D replay of the night before, Chiana walks to the bar while the crowd continues to applaud. The bartender shoves a pile of brandar tiles and green gems toward her.


CHIANA:
I just won a bet. Raslak. Make it a large.


Shot widens and we see John standing beside Chi at the bar. He waves a hand in front of her, but he's not really there so she doesn't notice. As Chi begins to enjoy her Raslak [ which is blue btw ], Fe'Tor walks up behind her.


FE'TOR:
You smell so exotic.


Chi turns to face him, the tip of the Raslak bottle clenched in her teeth.


FE'TOR:
I like watching you dance. I like watching you and your friend, but especially... you!

CHIANA:
Ooh!


D'Argo closes on Fe'Tor's back, not appreciating how Chi's appreciating the attention.


JOHN:
Oh, big deal. She's being hit on by some guy. Knowing Chi, he's probably in more trouble than she is.

RAXIL:
Wait, there's more.

FE'TOR:
I have something for you.


A tiny bottle in his hand, he unstops it with his teeth and waves it under her nose. The aroma from the bottle has an instant effect on her. Her head rolls back and the shot grinds quickly to a halt, freeze frame for a moment on Chiana.



JUMP CUT - Chi facing Fe'Tor, now finding him much more interesting than amusing. She 'pets' him a bit.


CHIANA:
You...I like the look of you.

D'ARGO:
Who is this bastard?

RAXIL:
That's Fe'Tor.


CUT TO - Kabaah's. A flash of light and sharp crashing sound. John yelps in pain, dropping the tentacle and covering his eye, staggering away from Kabaah. D'Argo and Raxil also experience some discomfort at the sudden termination of the replay.


JOHN:
Ow! Whoa, whoa! What the hell just happened?

KABAAH:
You didn't pay me enough to cross Fe'Tor.

D'ARGO:
Who is Fe'Tor?

RAXIL:
He was what I was tryin' to show ya. Fe'Tor's the most famous kaznick around here. He rounds up all the good-looking ones and they all just party, night and day, night and day.


INSERT SHOT - Double doors open to a white room. Inside a woman dressed in black with a black hood, stands beside a large red 'chair'. A woman with violet hair and clothing is strapped to the red 'chair', long transparent tubes run from her body to a series of large white globes near the cieling.


D'ARGO:
What? Does he... do them?

RAXIL:
He hurts 'em. He gives 'em the whiff-- well, you saw. And then they do anything.


CUT TO - Close on transparent tubes, a dark blue substance gurgling through them. Shot pans left to the violet woman strapped to the red 'chair'. Cut to Fe'Tor standing in the open double doors of the white room, the walls of the corridor behind him are decorated in a red maze-like pattern [ and me without a pencil! ] The woman in black lifts a small bottle to her nose and inhales gently. Cut to close on the woman in black.


JOHN:
[O.V.] I'm not sure, but I think this is Fe'Tor's sister.

WOMAN:
Her freslin is still...adequate.

FE'TOR:
I'm not interested in... "adequate."


CUT TO - Kabaah's.


RAXIL:
We gotta get your females out of there.

D'ARGO:
Do you know where we can find them?

RAXIL:
Yeah, got an idea.


D'Argo heads out, but John heads him off, stopping Raxil as well.


JOHN:
Whoa! Hey, Whoa! D'Argo. D'Argo, wait. What we saw is from last night. Chiana could not even be with that guy anymore.


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's, in the white room.


WOMAN:
We can't have another auction yet. It's too soon, too dangerous.

FE'TOR:
I think our female upstairs may be exceptional. For her, we can risk it.


CUT TO - Kabaah's.


JOHN:
D'Argo, why are you believing this Raxil thing here? Chiana was having fun. She could be walking back into the bar right now, we don't know.

D'ARGO:
Well why don't you go to the bar and wait for her?

JOHN:
D'Argo, I....

D'ARGO:
It's fine. I'm just going to go along and say... hello.


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's. Close-up on Fe'Tor's hand on the control knob, dialing up the intensity. Cut to long shot as Fe'Tor walks away from the woman in black and the violet girl in the chair.


FE'TOR:
Squeeze her dry.



END ACT I










ACT II





Planetside; The Beach

Just outside the orange tent, John's dragged a green air chair out into the weak sunlight, reclining in the chair, eyes closed, very relaxed, as D'Argo stalks up.


JOHN:
Well, I've been comm'n the girls. No answer. Did you find 'em?

D'ARGO:
Found 'em.


JUMP CUT - To close-up on D'Argo's fist, pounding on a steel door. The door is opened by a black masked flunky. Cut to close on D'Argo standing on a railed patio, the open ocean just beyond his very pissed off pose-- arms crossed and scowling.


FLUNKY 1:
Deliveries around the back.


An exercise in subtle sarcasm, D'Argo feigns interest in these instructions, pointing in the direction indicated by the flunky.


D'ARGO:
Oh, oh, 'round the back?

FLUNKY 1:
Yeah.

D'ARGO:
Uh... okay, thanks.


Turning for a split-second as if to go 'round back, D'Argo turns back, leading with fist, and nails the flunky. Said flunky hits the deck with a loud 'thump'.



CUT TO - The Beach. John's still reclined, only mildly interested in the story.


JOHN:
They okay?

D'ARGO:
They're fine.


INSERT SHOT - Chin deep in a blue bubble bath, Jool shrieks abruptly, forehead crinkling.



JUMP CUT - Fe'Tor's lair. Cautiously walking through an elaborate arboretum, D'Argo hears the scream and growling, bolts up the stairs to an upper level, charging into a wide open room, the far wall a bank of windows looking out on the ocean, as Jools shrieks transmute to wild giggles.


D'ARGO:
Jool! Jool!


D'Argo runs up to a large raised bathtub in the center of the room, crouching beside Jool, who is in the bath with cup a in one hand and gorgeous hunk of lanky blonde male holding her left ankle out of the water kneeling on the floor on the opposite side of the bathtub.


D'ARGO:
Are you all right?

JOOL:
( surprised ) Ah! Oh, D'Argo.


But pleasantly so, she's quite inebriated and invites the Luxan into the bath.


JOOL:
Oh, come in with me. Come on.

D'ARGO:
Where... is... Chiana?

JOOL:
Over there.


Jool points over D'Argo's shoulder. D'Argo stands up and crosses the room to crouch over Chiana who's reclined on some pillows on the floor.


CHIANA:
( giggling softly ) Hey.

D'ARGO:
Um... ah... we thought that perhaps you might be in some trouble.

CHIANA:
I'm not in any trouble. At least none I don't want to be in.


CUT TO - The Beach.


D'ARGO:
Where's Raxil? She didn't wait around like she said she would.

JOHN:
That way.


John points over his shoulder. [ his arm motion making a 'swooshing' sfx ] D'Argo enters the tent where Raxil's waiting.


RAXIL:
Ow! Ow! Did you see them? Are they in trouble?

D'ARGO:
They were taking... a bath.


JUMP CUT - Fe'Tor's lair. Close on Jool, laughing drunkenly in the care of the lanky blonde male. D'Argo, kneeling over Chi, still trying to find a 'crisis'. Fe'Tor watches from a chair nearby.


D'ARGO:
I, uh...


Chi coos and toys with one of D'Argo's fur covered tentacles as he leans over her, whispering.


D'ARGO:
...we saw him... give you something. Some stuff.


INSERT SHOT - Chiana reclines on Fe'Tor, her head rolled back onto his shoulder. He's holding a small glass bottle filled with a dark blue substance.


CHIANA:
Oh... were you spying on me?

D'ARGO:
No... no.

CHIANA:
D'Argo, I came here to have a good time. Does that make you jealous?

D'ARGO:
No. I'm not jealous. It's just that, ah...

CHIANA:
'Cause you and me, we're-we're not together anymore, are we?

D'ARGO:
Ah, no, we're not together anymore...

CHIANA:
Oh.

D'ARGO:
But...

CHIANA:
Well then, let go of me.


Chiana shrugs off D'Argo's hands, pushing him away slightly. Abandoning the subtle stuff, D'Argo growls and standing, pulls Chi to her feet.


D'ARGO:
All right. You and Jool are coming with me.


D'Argo walks across the room, dragging Chi with him.


CHIANA:
Let me go!


All of Fe'Tor's flunkies jump up as D'Argo grabs Jool's arm, trying to pull her to her feet. Being drunk, soaking wet, covered in bubbles, and... uh... naked... Jool resists. Hands full of struggling girls, D'Argo is quickly surrounded by Fe'Tor's flunkies.


FE'TOR:
Chiana? Everything all right?

D'ARGO:
She's fine.

FE'TOR:
Why don't you let go of her then?

D'ARGO:
Why don't you mind your own business, you miserable little tralk?

CHIANA:
Oh!


CUT TO - The Beach. Inside the tent D'Argo makes a grab for Raxil's throat.


RAXIL:
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!


Immediately sensing a problem, John's eyes snap open and he shoots a concerned look over his shoulder into the tent. Inside the tent, D'Argo proceeds to throttle Raxil.


D'ARGO:
They had...


INSERT SHOT - Fe'Tor's Lair. D'Argo held at bay at the point of Mitols's very large pulse pistol.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] ...weapons!


D'Argo pushes Raxil down in the other green air chair, still throttling her.


D'ARGO:
You said... it would be a party!


INSERT SHOT - D'Argo takes out one flunky with a right jab.



John rolls to his feet, lunging into the tent. The uncertain footing of the sand making it an interesting visual.


D'ARGO:
But they had weapons that they put to my head!


INSERT SHOT - D'Argo takes out another flunky with a sharp right backhand.


JOHN:
They had weapons?!

D'ARGO:
Yes, but they weren't pointed at Chiana.


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. D'Argo held at bay at the point of Mitols's very large pulse pistol.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] They were pointed at me.

FE'TOR:
Please, please, calm yourself. I don't like to show force. But you are in my residence and you are attacking my people. Now... get out.

D'ARGO:
Chiana...

CHIANA:
D'Argo, get out. Go!


Mitols urges D'Argo out with a slight motion from the frelling huge pulse pistol [ are these things gettin' bigger, or what? ]. Relenting in the face of the odds, D'Argo gives one of his best surly snarls and stalks out. Jool attempting a drunken reassurance as he decends the steps.


JOOL:
Oh, we're fine, D'Argo, really. We're just-- ( lanky blonde male nuzzles her neck ) Oh!


CUT TO - The Beach. From behind D'Argo, John makes an observation while watching D'Argo continue to throttle Raxil.


JOHN:
Uh... D'Argo? You're gonna kill her.


Giving up prying the Luxans hands off her throat, Raxil fumbles in her 'hip-sack' purse for something.


D'ARGO:
At the moment, I do not have a problem with that.


Pulling a small golden pump sprayer out of her purse, Raxil raises it up and 'spritzes' something in D'Argo's face. D'Argo shouts in pain, his hand lifting to his eyes.



INSERT SHOT - D'Argo boogies in fast forward on the dance floor.


JOHN:
What did you spray on him?

RAXIL:
( strangled voice ) Freslin.


CUT TO - The bar. Raucous music plays, the bar patrons dance. [ I actually 'see' and Blue girl ( bald except for a long blue pony tail ) and a green girl, complete with green hair. hmmm. ] Moments later, D'Argo's head buzzes by right to left, close-up in the shot, doin' his chicken head bobbin' dancing thang. Passing out of the shot, and then back in from left. Turning toward the crowd, head bobbin' dance continues, tentacles flying madly.



INSERT SHOT - Close-up on Pilot.


PILOT:
Stop! Stop!


CUT TO - The bar. Freeze frame on D'Argo's swaying tentacles.


PILOT:
[O.V.] Stop!


JUMP CUT - to Pilot's Den. John's reclined on his side on the console. Pilot in his 'usual' position, his ire is up.


PILOT:
This makes no sense. You make no sense.

JOHN:
What? Wh-What doesn't make sense? She nailed him with love potion number 9.

PILOT:
It made him dance?

JOHN:
Well, it's a way to meet girls. Pilot, just listen to this, all right? This is important. This is about the deal. It's about Freslin. LoMo's dirty little secret.

PILOT:
I suspect the dirtly little secret is you spent all your currency on pleasure and now--

JOHN:
( cutting in angrily ) Hey! You know what?! It's a weird universe out there man. You don't know that 'cause you're spending all your time indoors. Just... let me finish my story.


CUT TO - The Bar. Raucous music continues, out on the dance floor, D'Argo tries to dance with everything that passes near him. John and Raxil watch from a small circular table near the bar. John's nursing another multi-strawed drink. [ Yellow and black straws this time. This show was MADE for Trivia! ]


RAXIL:
See? See why I made us get off the beach? He would've been chasing everything that moves.

JOHN:
And it's all because of this stuff you gave him?


John waves the tiny golden sprayer confiscated from Raxil.


RAXIL:
Freslin's an attractant. You could be attractive to someone else, or they could be attracted to you. It could be strong, weak... anything. Depends on where it's manufactured.


CUT TO - Chiana reclines on Fe'Tor, her head rolled back onto his shoulder. He's holding a small glass bottle filled with a dark blue substance.


FE'TOR:
Did you like the Freslin I gave you last night?

CHIANA:
Is this more?

FE'TOR:
Mm, different batch... different quality. Want a taste?


Fetor removes the small cap from the bottle.



INSERT SHOT - A groggy looking Chi getting shackled, arms above her head, to the center of a tripod.


FE'TOR:
Hm? Hm.

CHIANA:
( softly ) Bring it on.


INSERT SHOT - Double doors open to a white room. Large white globes hang from the ceiling with clear thin tubing running between them and a violet haired girl shackled to a red 'chair'. A woman garbed in black with a black hood stands nearby.



In Fe'Tor's lair [ okay, okay, it's his living room, all right? ], a few white garbed individuals lounge around on the floor, or rest on red upholstered 'squares' [ sigh... the 70's ]. Fe'Tor sits in a wide chair in the far corner, the window walls looking out on the ocean. Chiana sits, leaning back, in Fe'Tor's lap and Jool sprawls on the floor at their feet.


CHIANA:
( sighing ) It's different.

FE'TOR:
More better?

CHIANA:
Yeah.

FE'TOR:
An animal's last batch always is.


Fe'tor laughs [ unpleasantly ], stroking Chi's hair.


CHIANA:
This is... uh, this is from an animal?

FE'TOR:
Uh-huh.


INSERT SHOT - In the red 'chair' the violet haired girl is drained by Fe'Tor's insidious device. Ooooo!


FE'TOR:
A beautiful animal.


CUT TO - Close on John in the bar, still sipping his drink.


JOHN:
Is this the same stuff, that that guy sprayed on Chiana last night?

RAXIL:
Yeah. Grade-A Freslin. Made in his own lab. Fe'Tor's got the most sensitive nose in the business!


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Living Room... Jool wakes with a gasp, rising to her hands and knees.


JOOL:
What am I missing?!

FE'TOR:
Nothing. Here.


Jool focuses on Fe'Tor, gives him a seductive look and crawls closer to inhale from the offered bottle of blue 'substance'.



INSERT SHOT - The hooded female cranks up the intensity on the machine, watching closely as a golden fluid is gathered in a large clear beaker.


FE'TOR:
Wonderful, isn't it?

JOOL:
( gasping with pleasure ) Yeah.


Jool lays across Chiana, it's a dogpile of some kind... on Fe'Tor.


FE'TOR:
Now. Will you do anything for me?

JOOL:
I'll do anything for you.


Fe'Tor chuckles [ unpleasantly ].



CUT TO - The Bar.


RAXIL:
I think Fe'Tor wants your females for more than just... you know.


Slumped over his drink, John sits up, carefully enunciating, his brow crinkling.


JOHN:
What... does he want them for?


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. The real one this time as Fe'Tor leads Jool through a white corridor, the walls decorated with a red maze-like design [ and me without a pencil! ]. Playing along, Jool has her eyes closed.


FE'TOR:
No peeking. Can you smell it?


Jool giggles happily, Fe'Tor inhales deeply.


FE'TOR:
Just breathe it in.


CUT TO - The Bar.


RAXIL:
Well, the base element of Freslin is found in the senal gland of sentient beings.

JOHN:
Oh, you mean, like in... people?

RAXIL:
Yeah.


John nods, a serious "pissed-off" building.


RAXIL:
Fe'Tor's got a machine that milks this gland. And... and when there's a lot of demand, well sometimes he'll milk them until... they die.


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. In the white maze corridor, a door swings open for Fe'Tor. He enters, leading Jool.


FE'TOR:
You'll love it.


Inside the white room, the hooded woman waits.


JOOL:
Can I open my eyes yet?

FE'TOR:
Mm-hm.


Jools eyes fly open and she takes in the fancy red sculpted chair, and globes hanging from the ceiling, trailing the slender tubes.


JOOL:
Oh, wow!


CUT TO - The Bar.


JOHN:
Why did you not tell us this earlier?


Raxil's answer is cut off by D'Argo's 'arrival'.


D'ARGO:
Cri--! ( crash! )


Shouting as he goes 'down' in a heap. There one moment... gone the next, a chair and drinks flying. [ The look on Crichton's face is PRICELESS! A surprised and sympathetic: "oops!" ] D'Argo picks himself up, spinning madly about, looking for something, tentacles flying!


D'ARGO:
Ah! John...


Spotting John, mere inches away, D'Argo leans against the table, breathing heavily.


D'ARGO:
These people... will not dance with me. No one wants to dance--


D'Argo leans on John's shoulder. John does NOT want to deal with a drugged Luxan. He's 'busy'!


JOHN:
No. Go away!


Prying D'Argo's hand off his shoulder, John's eyes narrow on a point just behind D'Argo.


JOHN:
( urgently ) Oh, oh, oh!


John extends a black clad arm, pointing enthusiastically at an imaginary girl.


JOHN:
Look at the booty on that girl!


D'Argo staggers around, seekin' the booty.


D'ARGO:
The booty?

JOHN:
Whoo!


D'Argo staggers off, sweet talkin' the handiest girl.


D'ARGO:
Sweetie pie. Why'nt'cha come with... ( fading away )

RAXIL:
I should have told you everything, but I was scared. Fe'Tor's dangerous.

JOHN:
If Fe'Tor is so dangerous, why help us at all?

RAXIL:
My mate, Sarl...


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. The lanky blonde male stretched out weakly on a low red 'couch' in the white room. Marks on his chest indicate he may have recently been a 'donor' for Fe'Tor's machine.


RAXIL:
[O.V.] ...he's with Fe'Tor.

JOOL:
( giggling ) He doesn't look very well.


CUT TO - The Bar.


RAXIL:
I mean, he's tall, he's good-looking. I mean, look at me, I'm a nothing. I tried to warn him, but... I'm telling you everything because, when you save your females, I want you to save Sarl.


Head turned slightly while draining his glass through a black straw, John spots a familiar figure crossing the dance floor. The shot freezes with a 'bing' sfx.


JOHN:
Isn't that the guy... ( pointing over his shoulder toward the guy ) that was with Fe'Tor last night?

RAXIL:
Yeah. That's Mitols... his right-hand shill.

JOHN:
Well he could probably get us in to see the girls, couldn't he?

RAXIL:
'Course he can, but he's never gonna tell ya.

JOHN:
Keep D'Argo busy. I've got some business.


John gets up and walks to the bar, taking a seat beside the oblivious Mitols. John kicks up a 'meet and greet'.


JOHN:
How ya doin'? Man, were you here last night? Was that wild or what?


INSERT SHOT - Jool's tumbling run down the open aisle between the patrons at the bar.


MITOLS:
( surly ) I drink alone.

JOHN:
Yeah, I'm not really ah, interested in drinking either, um... I'm lookin' for some ah, ( lowers voice to stage whisper ) Freslin. And I heard that you were the guy to see.


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. The hooded woman closes the double doors to the white room. Standing in front of Jool, who is standing, nervously, in front of the red chair, Fe'tor drills her with his creepy eyes.


FE'TOR:
You like the Freslin?

JOOL:
( stammering ) Oh. I ah... ah...

FE'TOR:
Shh.


Jool turns away, fearfully examining the hanging tubes, the red chair, and spots some fur covered shackles by the machines control knob. Her fear builds and she trembles and gasps slightly.


JOOL:
I....

FE'TOR:
( cutting her off ) Trust me.


Jool turns to look at Fe'Tor, he pushes her roughly back against the chair, her screams muted by his hand.


FE'TOR:
It only hurts the first time.


CUT TO - Close on Mitols in the bar, he turns slowly to face John, a condecending smile on his face.


MITOLS:
Go away.


The smile disappears from Mitols's face, and John turns away, chuckling slightly.


JOHN:
Okay, okay, okay, look.. let-let me give you somethin'. Look, I am loaded with currency. And I'm lookin' for somethin' a little special and this is the only crap ( waves the small golden sprayer again ) that I've been able to find. And, uh... Kabaah told me that you were the guy to see to get some really serious dren.


CUT TO - Close on hooded woman watching golden fluid drain into a large clear beaker. Fe'Tor stands in the background. They both ignore the sounds of Jool's whimpering. Camera pans right to Jool, strapped in the chair. The thin tubes attached to her body drain a golden fluid from it. Fe'Tor lurks over her as she continues whimpering. Freeze on the shot of Jool and Fe'Tor.


PILOT:
[O.V.] If they drained that much fluid from her, Crichton, she would be dead.

JOHN:
[O.V.] Shut up and let me tell my story!


Jool tries to control her whimpering, her face scrunched into an expression of misery.


FE'TOR:
You really must relax. Struggle only makes it more painful. Hm?


Fe'tor waves a tiny bottle of golden liquid under Jool's nose, she turns away in horror.


FE'TOR:
Mm. That's you you're ingesting.


CUT TO - The Bar. Mitols turns to John with new interest.


MITOLS:
Kabaah sent you? Why didn't you say so?

JOHN:
I just did.

MITOLS:
Apex of the moon tonight. Fe'Tor's chamber. Know where it is?

JOHN:
I'll find it.

MITOLS:
We're auctioning some incredible dren. This'll get you in.


Mitols slides a small silver object to John.



CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. Close-up on hooded woman watching the golden fluid drain into the beaker. She turns toward Fe'Tor standing by a still whimpering Jool. Cut to close on Fe'Tor as he nods. Cut to close on black clad hand turning up the intensity on the machine. As the machine whirs louder, Jool's whimpering builds to a full fledged Jool shriek.




END ACT II










ACT III





Planetside; Outside Kabaah's

Just outside the camera lens 'bay window', D'Argo enters shot and leans against the window, both palms braced against it.


D'ARGO:
My frelling head is killing me, from that spray, you little tralk!


John crosses into the shot, standing behind him briefly.


JOHN:
D'Argo, you can kill her later. Right now, we gotta get the girls outta Fe'tor's.


Camera follows John's progress as he continues right, past a second window and Raxil who is standing there. Passing Raxil, John gives Kabaah a jaunty wave through the window as he walks on.


D'ARGO:
So, what are we doing here?

RAXIL:
'Cause I'm gonna help you, see? I'm gonna make you a sorta disguise.


CUT TO - Int. Kabaah's place. John enters, full of false cheer.


JOHN:
Hey, Hammerhead, how'ya doin'? I'm back for some home video.

KABAAH:
Get out, get out!

JOHN:
I don't think so.


John wraps Kabaah's throat with his right hand, exerting just a bit of pressure.


JOHN:
I need to see into Fe'Tor's compound.

KABAAH:
No, I won't help you against him.

JOHN:
Yes you will, or I'm gonna snap your head off. Now I'm gonna see the compound layout. You're gonna show it to me. I don't care if it's empty, but you're gonna show it to me now.


CUT TO - 3D memory representation of Fe'Tor's compound. As the camera pans panoramic around John and D'Argo we see a very large open space. False walls block off the lower level arena. A second level open walkway with safety railing is also visible. There is one extremely large multicolored column standing off to the side which extends from the floor of the first level, up through the second level and beyond.



CUT TO - Kabaah's. John and D'Argo bend over Kabaah, each with a tentacle pressed to an eye.


KABAAH:
Eh, this is the auction room.


CUT TO - 3D memory representation of Fe'Tor's compound. John and D'Argo examine the area carefully.


JOHN:
Not bad, all it needs is a big screen TV.


John flinches badly at the sound of a familiar voice.


SCORPIUS:
Ka-D'A-go!


Also hearing a familiar voice, D'Argo spins about, snarling, to face his enemy. John grounds him in 'his' reality.


JOHN:
No! ... It-It's okay, that's um... that's Harvey, it's not Scorpy. He's a puka. He's... he's not real.


John turns away from the puka in disgust, but Scorpy's havin' a good time. Circling the pair and rubbing his gloved palms together.


SCORPIUS:
But thanks to our unique shared conciousness in this situation, we finally get to meet! Ka-D'A-go! Give me five!


Scorpy sticks out a gloved hand to receive the greeting. D'Argo eyes him and John slaps his hand away.


JOHN:
Go away.

D'ARGO:
I've had some weird conversations in my head before, but this... is a little...

JOHN:
Yeah, I know. Hey, look. Harvey just shows up every now and then to give me bad advice.

SCORPIUS:
And my suggestion to you both... is to forget this folly. But... since I know you won't. Circuit breakers...


Scorpy points up toward the second level, John and D'Argo turn and look up, examining the device their little help-mate indicates.


SCORPIUS:
...to the entire subterranean level. Darkness... ah, may be of assistance to you.

D'ARGO:
You know what? I think that's not a bad idea.

SCORPIUS:
And the milking room you seek? ( does drum roll on stomach ) Ah! ( points over John's shoulder ) Down the hallway.

JOHN:
Kabaah, show us the milking room.


CUT TO - A flash of white light and John and D stand just in the doorway to the 'milking room', a 3D memory representation of the white room with the globes and sculpted red chair.


JOHN:
Raxil, what is that thing?


CUT TO - Kabaah's. Standing next to D'Argo, Raxil takes a tentacle and presses it to her eye.


RAXIL:
That's where they...


CUT TO - John and D'Argo standing in the doorway of the milking room.


RAXIL:
[O.V.] ...drain the bodies to make the Freslin.


CUT TO - wide shot of D'Argo, John and Raxil standing around Kabaah with tentacles pressed to their eyes..


D'ARGO:
Pleasure Planet, my mivonks.


CUT TO - John and D'Argo standing in the doorway of the milking room.


JOHN:
We better count the steps in here.


John and D'Argo turn to look back down the hallway.


JOHN:
One...

JOHN & D'ARGO:
( continue counting simultaneously ) ...two, three, four, five, six, seven...

D'ARGO:
...eight.

JOHN:
... eight, nine, ten.

JOHN:
Ten steps.


D'Argo turns toward John with a heavy sigh.


D'ARGO:
Uh-uh, eight steps.

JOHN:
Ten.


CUT TO - wide shot of D'Argo, John and Raxil standing around Kabaah with tentacles pressed to their eyes..


D'ARGO:
Eight! Small legs, human.


CUT TO - EXT. Planet CGI, Fe'Tor's compound perched on the heights of a sea cliff. Gorgeous, more circular and angled architecture.



CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Living Room. Chiana's sprawled in a red chair, alone in the room. Waking suddenly she groans from a massive hangover, clutching her head in pain. Looking around she notices the marked absence of... anyone else.


CHIANA:
Jool? Jool!


CUT TO - White maze corridor. Chi enters tenatively, looking around. She walks down the corridor.


CHIANA:
Jool?


Chi nears the closed doors of the Milking Room. Fe'Tor walks around a corner into the corridor behind Chi.


FE'TOR:
Something wrong?

CHIANA:
No! No, no. I-I was ah, just tryin' to find Jool. We should really be going.


Fe'Tor approaches Chi, smiling [ creepily ].


FE'TOR:
You really are quite beautiful.

CHIANA:
Yeah. Where's Jool?

FE'TOR:
Don't be scared. Everything's all right.


CUT TO - Kaabah's. D'Argo rants while Raxil works on something. John's away.


D'ARGO:
No, I will not go to Fe'Tor's auction. He knows what I look like...

RAXIL:
I'll get you in.

D'ARGO:
...so I won't get in. And you're not spraying me with that stuff. I'm not spending...

RAXIL:
This Freslin will be different.

D'ARGO:
...the rest of my life on the dance floor doing some-- No! You are not!

RAXIL:
( shouting ) Shut-up! Just shut-up! I did not do everything, plan everything, so you could back out now!

D'ARGO:
Did you say plan?

RAXIL:
( babbling fearfully ) No, no, no, I didn't mean plan. I make a plan, like, like, like plan something, you know--

D'ARGO:
Did you say that you planned this?!

RAXIL:
No, no, no, no, I didn't mean that, no, no--

JOHN:
( entering ) I got everything from the Transport Pod. Two pulse pistols, a pair of night-vision goggles, 200,000 in tiles so we can buy any... Freslin we want, uh... what did I miss?

RAXIL:
Two guns? You brought just two guns?

D'ARGO:
This little rodent... has been lying to us. She said that she planned all this.

RAXIL:
Two guns?! I mean, thought you were the great Crichton and D'Argo?


INSERT SHOT - Walking away from our POV in Moya's corridor, John and D'Argo execute a gorgeous 'high-five', hands clapping together emphatically. [ This is my favorite S'nS moment! One entire second. Maybe less.]


RAXIL:
I mean, you blew up a Shadow Depository.


INSERT SHOT - STOCK CGI -- The Depository goes out in a blaze of glory. It's structure collapsing beautifully.


RAXIL:
I mean, I thought you'd bring pulse rechargers...


INSERT SHOT - STOCK CGI -- deep space explosion. [ I've no clue what this is from. Anyone? ]


RAXIL:
and a plasma bomb...


INSERT SHOT - STOCK CGI -- The oil covered moon goes up in a blaze of glory, two allies hang together in the void of space. [ Shot looks 'slightly' different than the shot from Family Ties. ]


RAXIL:
and a really big gunship!


D'Argo looks puzzled and John a bit amused at this list of expectations.



INSERT SHOT - STOCK CGI -- Command Carrier and requisite escort [ "We Brake For No One." ]


RAXIL:
But, no! You bring nothing! You bring two little weapons that wouldn't kill a Negnec!


INSERT SHOT - Split second on a Negnec. Apparently a small slimy thing with one eye. [ LOL! ]


D'ARGO:
You... have heard of us?

RAXIL:
Yeah, I've heard stories. But obviously they aren't worth a bucket of dren!


CUT TO - Fe'Tor's Lair. Close on double doors as they swing open beneath Fe'Tor's hands. Chiana stands just behind him taking in the room, and it's current occupant.


CHIANA:
What the frell have you done to her?


Chiana rushes across the room toward shackled and silent Jool and the hooded woman standing behind the chair.


CHIANA:
Get her out of that thing, you fekkik!

FE'TOR:
Chiana.

CHIANA:
( softly ) Jool...

FE'TOR:
She's not in any pain.

CHIANA:
( softly ) Jool...

FE'TOR:
Don't worry. Eh? Here.


Fe'Tor offers Chi a small vial of golden liquid. Chi slaps it away angrily and it shatters on the floor.


CHIANA:
Enough with the dren!

FE'TOR:
You really shouldn't waste... the taste.


Fe'Tor grabs her viciously by the throat.


CHIANA:
( choking )

FE'TOR:
Now, I'll let your friend rest, but I need to replace her... with a new animal.


CUT TO - Kabaah's place.


RAXIL:
Now, I knew Fe'Tor wouldn't bother your females while you were in the bar. So I paid... the blue and green girls to get you out of the way.


INSERT SHOT - In the bar, D'Argo laughs drunkenly, alien babe on his arm.



D'Argo lunges at Raxil, intent on pounding her. John holds him back.


JOHN:
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, wait! You let... Fe'Tor... kidnap Chiana and Jool?


INSERT SHOT - Chi slaps Fe'Tor's hand away and he cuffs her with a fist to the jaw. She drops on the floor next to the smashed bottle.


RAXIL:
No, I didn't help him. I just... created a situation where everyone--


John lunges at Raxil, but staggers as D'Argo intercepts the huge roundhouse right he'd intended for her.


JOHN:
Is there anything else you're not telling us?!

RAXIL:
Nothing, nothing. I promise.

D'ARGO:
This little...


Quite angry, John jerks his arms from D'Argo's loosened grasp. D'Argo slowly approaches the diminutive creature.


D'ARGO:
...tralk... has been lying to us all along.

D'ARGO:
So, what I suggest is--


Raxil gasps in fear as D'Argo grabs her collar, quickly spritzing him in the face with another little aerosol sprayer. D'Argo groans in frustration, hands covering his eyes.



INSERT SHOT - D'Argo boogin' in fast forward on the dance floor.


D'ARGO:
Ah! Not again!

RAXIL:
( backing away ) Please don't hit me. Please don't-- ah!


D'Argo back hands her in her pert little nose. Raxil drops to the floor with a groan. D'Argo walks away as she stands up, white gloved hand over her nose.


RAXIL:
All right, you can hit me just once! Just once!

KABAAH:
Hello...?

JOHN:
What?!

KABAAH:
I've got a live connection. The Nebari...

JOHN:
Chiana...


John bolts to Kabaah, grabbing him around the neck again and hurriedly placing a tentacle on his eye.


KABAAH:
They've begun milking her... think you're going to be ( choked off as John's hand wraps around his neck) too late.


CUT TO - 3D Optic rendition of the Milking Room in Fe'Tor's compound. Shackled to the red sculpted chair, tubes hooked up and drawing a milky white substance from her body, Chiana affects a disinterested pose. Ignoring Fe'Tor and the hooded woman as they lurk over her. Fe'Tor takes a small sample of the white fluid from the beaker. Jool is sprawled face down, on a large red cushion on the floor. Close on John watching silently as the hooded woman drops the sample in the palm of Fe'Tor's hand. Lifting his hand to his nose he inhales deeply. A wide smile appearing on his face.


FE'TOR:
Ah... I was right! You're exceptional.


He offers his palm to Chiana, who studiously ignores him.


FE'TOR:
Would you like a taste?


Fe'Tor glances toward the hooded woman.


FE'TOR:
Drain as much as you can.

WOMAN:
Without damaging her value, of course.


John watches as Fe'Tor leaves.


JOHN:
D'Argo, you should check this out. ( beat ) D'Argo?


John turns, looking for the Luxan and finds a huge alien standing just behind him. The alien looks like a bizarre cross between a horney toad, a catfish, and John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. John staggers backward, very startled. Flash of light and



CUT TO - Kabbah's digs.



John staggers away from the black haired alien standing beside him.


JOHN:
Who the... hell?!

RAXIL:
Oh, you know... the Freslin I sprayed him with, radiates his pheromones outwards and creates an auro-morph. So, we all see D'Argo like this. I made him very attractive... don't ya think?

D'ARGO:
What... are you talking about?

JOHN:
D'Argo?



END ACT III










ACT IV





PILOT'S DEN

Close on Pilot shaking his head emphatically.


PILOT:
No more! Enough!


Cut to medium shot of Pilot with John facing him, reclined on the console to Pilot's right. Pilot taps the tip of his claw impatiently on the console as he rants, increasing that whole 'High-School Principal' vibe.


PILOT:
Even I am not so gullible as to believe that D'Argo turned into another... creature.


Pilot's head arches up, his neck elongating, eying John angrily.


PILOT:
I do not appreciate the lies you tell in order to circumvent--

JOHN:
( cutting in angrily ) Whoa, ho! Hold o--


John looks away for a moment, gathering patience.


JOHN:
How long have we known each other?

PILOT:
Approximately two and half long cycles.

JOHN:
I ever lie to you? Hmm? Hmm?


Pilot sighs, conceding the point reluctantly, his neck retracting slightly.


JOHN:
D'Argo looked totally different.


JUMP CUT - to Kabaah's Digs. John propels the morph'd D'Argo ahead of him, marching him across the multicolored room; Raxil in hot pursuit.


D'ARGO:
Look at myself in the mirror? I... ah... ( gasps )


Shot freezes on D'Argo's stunned expression as he catches a glimpse of his new 'tude.



CUT TO - Pilot's Den.


PILOT:
( unbelieving ) And why does he not look that way now?

JOHN:
( guessing ) Metabolism? ( beat ) Look, man, let me... can I please tell the story the way I wanna tell it?


JUMP CUT - to Fe'Tor's compound. Fe'Tor and the hooded woman stroll down a corridor, the white maze corridor in the background. Obtrusive 'skating rink' music plays in the background.


WOMAN:
Mitols is almost ready for the Nebari. What should I do about the other one?

FE'TOR:
Wring curls...


INSERT SHOT - Close on Jool being drained by the milking machine.


FE'TOR:
... drain till failure. She would only spoil the program.


Fe'Tor leaves the hooded woman behind as he turns a corner and walks a bit further to greet his guests entering the arena. A heavily armed and hooded henchmen stands at each of the corners of the room. Third guest through the entrance is John, who places the small silver object Mitols gave him in the bar on a small round table. The henchman at the door puts a few drops of liquid in the concave side of the object and the liquid bubbles and steams. [ what? No rubber stamps? ] John moves along, greeted by Fe'Tor.


FE'TOR:
I am your host. But names are not important... only currency.


John grins and gives Fe'Tor his best Texas Oil Baron accent.


JOHN:
Well, son, I'm your buyer, and ah... money ain't important to me! Only quality.


John gives Fe'tor a big grin and a wink, tossing him a very heavy black bag.


JOHN:
Know what I mean?


INSERT SHOT - John gets popped in the eye by an unknown assailant.


FE'TOR:
You've come to the right auction then.


Fe'Tor tosses the bag back to John.


FE'TOR:
I recommend the Nebari.


INSERT SHOT - A groggy looking Chi gets shackled, hands above her head, to a tall tripod.


FE'TOR:
Finest I've ever tasted.

JOHN:
Right.


Nodding briefly and still smiling he moves past Fe'Tor. Walking just behind John with her head tucked down, Raxil tries to slink past Fe'Tor unnoticed.


FE'TOR:
Raxil...


Raxil stops, John turns back to watch the exchange.


FE'TOR:
...alive, still. I thought you'd given the Freslin trade away... after your disaster on Elepuria.

RAXIL:
( hurriedly ) Well, yeah, I did lemme tell ya, but uh, things change.


INSERT SHOT - Raxil gloating over a small transparent square in the white room, pressing it to her lips before scuttling away.



And she scuttles away.


FE'TOR:
Enjoy, Bid high. Excuse me.


Fe'Tor puts a hand on D'Argo's arm, who's also trying to slink by casually.


FE'TOR:
Do I know you?


INSERT SHOT - D'Argo takes out two masked henchmen in Fe'Tor's living room.


D'ARGO:
Uh...


Interrupted by the arrival of a lovely young woman, D stops to admire her as she approaches.


LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN:
( admiringly ) Hi...


She walks past D'Argo who frankly admires her as she passes. John, who's still monitoring the 'sitch, turns to admire the young lady as well as she passes him.


D'ARGO:
Ooh... I, ah... I doubt it. I've become a... a new man recently.


INSERT SHOT - Raxil admires her handiwork at Kabaah's.

Raxil: "I made him very attractive."




Completely incognito as an extremely alien looking Vincent Vega, D'Argo continues on into the arena.



CUT TO - The Arena. Shot zooms in following two patrons as they enter the arena. Sounds of the auction already in progress. Entering the arena we see a raised stage at one end, with two or three wide steps leading up to the stage where the 'merchandise' is displayed. The arena is not exactly crowded but there are quite a few prospective buys standing around on the arena floor. Shot continues panning left across the arena floor as the bidding progresses.


MITOLS:
( bell sfx ) 15,000 on my right. Have I any further bids? ( bell sfx ) 16,000, 16,000 on my left. There, any further bids? Going once, twice, three times, are you all done? 16,000, sold for 16,000 brandars.


Shot angles up the wall where we see Crichton and D'Argo approaching Raxil standing on a walkway behind the top of the false wall around the arena area. They each grab and arm and push her back against the low wall that lines the far side of the narrow walkway.


JOHN:
You traded Freslin.


INSERT SHOT - Raxil gloating, elated, in the white milking room.


RAXIL:
Wait, wait, wait, wait, years ago, never killed anybody, none of it.

D'ARGO:
None of it, my ass!


John and D'Argo pull her back to the wall overlooking the arena. They stand shoulder to shoulder, Raxil in the middle, pretending interest in the goings on.


RAXIL:
No, no, no. My point is, you must calm down. Increased oxygenation hastens the metabolism of the Freslin!

JOHN:
It's gonna wear off?

RAXIL:
Not for a while, not if he stays calm!


INSERT SHOT - D'Argo screams.


RAXIL:
Calm. Anger; bad.

JOHN:
D'Argo... be cool, man. We buy the girls, Raxil's mate, if we can. No guns, no killing...


INSERT SHOT - Patrons run screaming across the auction floor.


JOHN:
...and we're outta here.


John heads downstairs.


D'ARGO:
I'll watch you from up here.


CUT TO - Angle up shot on D'Argo and Raxil as John heads off. Camera pans down the wall and right through the crowd of buyers.


MITOLS:
Distinguished friends... we now come to the sale you've been waiting for. I present... the olfactory genius... Heska Fe'Tor!


Crowd applauds as Fe'Tor trots on stage. In the background, henchmen drag a groggy looking Chiana onto the stage. Fe'Tor strikes a ridiculous pose, tossing confetti into the air.


JOHN:
[O.V.] Does this guy just scream Vegas, or what?


Shot resumes motion... in reverse, as Fe'Tor backs off stage in fast motion reverse. Shot resumes in normal forward motion.


MITOLS:
Heska Fe'Tor!


Crowd applauds as Fe'Tor trots on stage. In the background, henchmen drag a groggy looking Chiana onto the stage. Fe'Tor strikes a ridiculous pose, tossing confetti into the air-- and waits for the applause to taper off, which it rapidly does.


FE'TOR:
Friends... welcome. Thank you for coming on such short notice. May I present to you... Chiana!


The henchman shackles Chi's hands above her head to the center point of a tall tripod at the center of the stage.



INSERT SHOT - In the bar, Fe'Tor gives Chi her first taste of Freslin.



CUT TO - D'Argo and Raxil on the upper level walkway, D'Argo looks p.i.s.s.e.d.!


RAXIL:
( muttering ) Metabolism, Luxan.


CUT TO - Long shot of stage and surrounding crowd.


FE'TOR:
Bidding starts at 25,000.


Guy wearing a ruffled shirt [Tinako] holds up a glowing green sphere accompanied by a 'bing' sfx.


TINAKO:
25,000


A woman holds up a glowing red sphere, accompanied by a 'bing' sfx. Subsequent bids are all accompanied by a 'bing' sfx of a distinct tonal quality for each bidder.


BIDDER 2:
30,000.

BIDDER 3:
40,000.

BIDDER 4:
50,000.

BIDDER 2:
55,000.

BIDDER 3:
60,000!

TINAKO:
85,000.

FE'TOR:
What a wonderful bid, Heska Tinako. Are there any other bids?


Fe'Tor looks around the crowd.


FE'TOR:
No?


John enters the fray with his lovely exaggerated southern drawl and a glowing green globe.


JOHN:
125,000.


John walks through the crowd, tossing the heavy black bag at the base of the steps to the stage.


TINAKO:
130,000.


John turns at the sound of the bid, giving Tinako a not too friendly look.



INSERT SHOT - Patrons scream and run away as John levels his pulse pistol on Tinako, who holds Chi in his arms. Chi turns on Tinako quickly.


JOHN:
If you don't mind, I'd like to take a closer look at the carcass...

FE'TOR:
Be my guest.


John steps up on stage, better to examine the merchandise.



CUT TO- the second level where D'Argo watches this activity from a distance, pausing to appreciate the female standing on his left.



CUT TO - close on John and Chi.


JOHN:
( whispering ) Hey, Pip. Can you hear me?


CUT TO - the second level. Raxil interposes herself between D'Argo and the lovely female to his left. Raxil thwaps the female.


RAXIL:
Go away.


CUT TO - Close on John and Chi.


CHIANA:
( whispering ) What took you so long?


John gives her a small smile.



INSERT SHOT - Fe'tor, sprawled on the ground, somebody gives him a sharp kick to the chest.



Turning back to the crowd, John raises his sphere and the bid.


JOHN:
150,000.


Crowd murmurs and Tinako ups the bid.


TINAKO:
151,000.


Fe'Tor looks from Tinako, expectantly toward John. John's getting a 'I'm tired of this crap', look.



INSERT SHOT - Patrons scream and run away as John levels his pulse pistol on Tinako, who holds Chi in his arms. Chi turns on Tinako quickly.



SERIES SHOT - Patrons scream and run away as John levels his pulse pistol on Tinako, who holds Chi in his arms. Chi turns on Tinako quickly. Just as suddenly John raises the aim of the pistol, blasting the circuit breaker box on the upper level. Chi, meanwhile gives Tinako a good knee to the privates.


JOHN:
Do you mind cuttin' this heifer down, so I can take a closer look.


Fe'Tor signals the masked flunky, who releases the shackles around Chi's wrists. John waits, tossing and catching the sphere once. The flunky hands a very groggy Chi into John's arms. He holds her tight, right arm wrapped around her waist, left hand holding her left arm, her back pressed into his chest. He bends his head to her neck, ostensibly the better to get her 'scent'.



CUT TO - Close on D'Argo and Raxil. D'Argo's definately not happy with this turn of events.



CUT TO - Close-up on John and Chi, very reminiscent of that lovely pose from Clockwork Nebari, her head rolled back onto his shoulder, he whispers into her ear.


JOHN:
Where's Jool?

CHIANA:
( whispering ) Milking room.


CUT TO - Close on D'Argo and Raxil. D'Argo's REALLY not happy, a deep growl escaping as he turns away, not really wanting to watch John 'check out the merchandise'.


RAXIL:
Wait, wait, wait, is she yours?

D'ARGO:
Used to be.

RAXIL:
Look, you've got Freslin boiling in your brain. Everything you feel's way out of whack. What's going on down there, that's an act! He's just pretending to be a buyer!


CUT TO - Close on John and Chiana.


JOHN:
One hundred and seventy-five.

TINAKO:
Two-fifty.

FE'TOR:
One quarter million brandars!


The crowd applauds politely while John's looking a bit grim. His eyes cut up to D'Argo on the upper level.



CUT TO - Close on D'Argo and Raxil. D'Argo taking in what must be going through John's head, he looks around briefly.



CUT TO - Close on John and Chiana. John inhales deeply, expression very grim.



INSERT SHOT - John, D'Argo and Scorpius stand in the empty arena. Scorpius points up to the second level.

Scorpius: "Circuit breakers... to the entire subterranean level."

John and D'Argo turn to look.



JOHN:
I can double that bid if you give me some more time.

FE'TOR:
No more time. Currency... on hand. Top the bid now, or step aside.


INSERT SHOT - Surreal fast-forward image on Fe'Tor using the long tassles hanging from his gloves to strangle John. Looping them quickly over his head and pulling back sharply. John grunts as he struggles with him.



Reluctantly John hands Fe'Tor his inactive white sphere, and Chiana, retrieving the black bag as he leaves the stage.


FE'TOR:
Sold! To Heska Tinaka for 250,000 brandars!


CUT TO - Med shot on D'Argo and Raxil. D'Argo snarls unhappily, heading away from the overlook at the wall. Cut to long shot of John approaching along the second level walk way, bag slung over his shoulder.



INSERT SHOT - John 'appreciating' Chiana's scent for the benefit of the crowd. [ uh-huh ]



CUT TO - Med shot of D'Argo as he stalks toward John on the upper level.


D'ARGO:
( shouting ) Did you have to caress her whole body!


Taken by surprise, John staggers backward as D'Argo gives him a terrific two handed shove.


JOHN:
Oh for cryin' out loud!

RAXIL:
It's just the Freslin... it makes him, you know...

D'ARGO & JOHN:
( simultaneously ) Shut up!

JOHN:
Listen up... Mister Horney Toad! Jool's still in the milking room. I'm gonna hit the lights, and get Chiana.

D'ARGO:
Good...


INSERT SHOT - Surreal mosaic shot; Tinako claiming his prize... Chi hangs lax in his arms.


D'ARGO:
[O.V.] ...good, good, good.


D'Argo is a bit wasted by the Freslin, seeming kind of unsteady on his feet, his voice slow and slightly slurred.


D'ARGO:
Ah... well get Jool, and her mate...


INSERT SHOT - Surreal mosaic shot; Jool giggles in the bubble bath, while lanky blonde male caters to her.


D'ARGO:
...and then we'll wait.

JOHN:
And remember, ten steps down the hall.


INSERT SHOT - Surreal mosaic shot; camera zooms down white maze corridor.


D'ARGO:
Eight steps, human.

JOHN:
Don't do anything till I hit the light